If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
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Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
Is fructose made with real fruct?
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.