If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads

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Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.

Guy: Hey-

Me: Not you.


If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or


I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.


If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done


I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.


I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.


[work email]

Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!

*hides bag of steaks*


Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.


Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed