If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
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I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.