@ericsshadow

If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.

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@GlennyRodge

Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.

@PondBubbles

Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.

Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.

@ericonederful

This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.

@Mom_Overboard

[on the phone]

me: i let the cat out of the bag

sis: what??

me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk

sis: oh phew

me: then i spilled the beans

sis: what?!

me: …all over the floor at dinner

sis: omg ok

me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye

@ThugRaccoons

Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…

Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?

@SirJeremyLondon

I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.