If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
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Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.