If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
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I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
Nigella has gone too far this time.
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”