If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
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me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
No laws when master is gone
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?