If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
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You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man