if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
You Might Also Like
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
1st time waking up my teen: *rubs back* Hey buddy, time to get up.
2nd time: *shakes him* It’s been 5 minutes. Get up.
3rd time: *rips blanket off* Get up NOW!
4th time: *rage breathing* YOU’RE LATE!
My teen: *dramatically sits straight up* WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems