If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
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If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
time machine? you mean a clock?
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.