@sucittaM

If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.

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@Manda_like_wine

I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.

@weinerdog4life

When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.

@the_anastasia

When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.

@IvoryGazelle

CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History

CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?

CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour

@ilovepie84

Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.

@nishadtrivedi

If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.

@DirtMcTurd

If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.

@Book_Krazy

[interview]

Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked

“Why are you naked?”

dammit