@Manda_like_wine I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
@sucittaM If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
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@Manda_like_wine 
@weinerdog4life When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
@the_anastasia When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
@TheTimmyToes stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
@IvoryGazelle CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
@ilovepie84 Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
@fillthevacuum *tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
@nishadtrivedi If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
@DirtMcTurd If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
@Book_Krazy [interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit