If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
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Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
A ghost story
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
My plans: 2020:
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
I pray every night that I never become religious…
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
craving $300 all of a sudden
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.