If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
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You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.