If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
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Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster