If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
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If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos