If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
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My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
Meow
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.