Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this

Her: all the food?

Me: no this penguin

Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya

CW- Google what?

* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit

* makes eye contact

*slow presses enter

I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER

[GOING BACK IN TIME]

Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!

Everybody: The what now?

[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body

[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood

[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.

Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs

Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.

A group of owls is called a flight of stares.

I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.

My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.

DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*

(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn

You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.

Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.

Him: What happens if they get overheated?

Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-

Him: *whispers* hot mess.

Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.

harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ

*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*

Sir, you wanna box for those?

“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”

Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?

Dracula: I had to pull some strings

Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.

[first day as a bartender]

customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner

me: [holding it] HEY

her: [looks up]

me: CATCH

Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry

“Don’t take this the wrong way”

Translation: Prepare for insult.

Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage

I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”

My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.

DEAR @NETFLIX,

REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!

SINCERELY,
MARSHALL

My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”

You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?

Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.