Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.

FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot

[Pulls away from kissing]

So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?

Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!

Nothing infuriates me more than when I’m on my phone and something wants me to scan a QR code. With what Jan? With. What.

I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:

What even are olives, like a fish or something?

PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.

*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar

Aw cool firepit!

Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰

me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you

It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus

Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES

Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date

Blind Date: WHAT

Me: Kind of like a big raisin

I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it

“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”

-The Eclairvoyant

M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.

Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.

M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.

Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid

I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.

My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help

Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.

[Sperm Bank]

DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy

Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too

I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…

…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.

me: [has anything]

my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that

I just smiled to everyone I invited over to watch football as I turned it off and started the puppet show.

I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown

What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.

ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional

UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything

Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.

Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year

Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.