If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
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“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.