If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers

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Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.


[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT


Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.


Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!


I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.


Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?

Me: this conversation.


[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]


*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”


Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.