If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
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The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.