If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
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If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”