If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
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If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.