If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
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Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.