If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
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ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.