Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?

Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.

[letter to vitamin company]

So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff

7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days

Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?

Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –

Son: Mom!

The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.

*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*

*sets loose in back yard*

*never mows again*

My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.

a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week

me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness

waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this

Me: do you love me?

Siri: I’m only your assistance.

Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.

Siri:there are two bridges near you.

convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”

Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”

I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.

“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.

Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet

Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.

My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”

*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-

I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.

I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.

I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.

by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance

Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.

Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.

Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.

If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?

“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”

[first date]

Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?

I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start

Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears