Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?

H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.

me: I call shotgun

shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep

No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.

I was being a giraffe.

Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.

Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.

Scariest things in the world:

1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes

Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.

Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do

Google: Call 911

Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE

Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.

I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.

Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*

Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!

Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar

You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…

Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes

{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.

ME: Yes.

APPRAISER:

ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.

huge if true: the moon

[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]

Me: This is absolutely magnificent.

[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]

Me: This is pretty alright I guess.

[interrogation room]

me: tell us

criminal: he’ll kill me if i do

me: you’re making my partner very angry

my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]

criminal: i-

me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off

20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.

30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.

40s: What thread count are your sheets?

I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.

Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.

Who’s ready for music?

Not you.

You have tetanus

HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?

ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.

They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.

My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me

I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.

me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”

No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me

It’s like grandma always said…

Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.

If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.