If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
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“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.