If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
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Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
Last-minute gift idea!
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
Rather alarming headline…
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.