If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
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is frankincense just very honest incense?
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
Meat Cute
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.