If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
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Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…