Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
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Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
Moms. The original autocorrect.
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
NSA: dude, let it go
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us
~~The crew of the Apollo-G
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.