If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.

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Two things I learned this weekend are:

1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.

2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.


*sends epic tweet*

[no likes 3 hours later]

*waits 2 weeks, sends again*

[no likes 1 day later]

*starts typing*

NSA: dude, let it go


ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us

~~The crew of the Apollo-G


A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.


If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.


I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.