If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
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I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*