If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
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When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’