If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
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[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.