If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.

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I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.


I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.


Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”


Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.


My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.


[about to have sex]

her: put on this blindfold

me: I think a condom would be safer


When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”


Me: Just call me loaded fries!

Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉

Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.


Criminal Tip:

Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.

As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.

Free gun.


[God creating the stingray]

Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”