If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
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Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*