If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
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Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
I don’t know what to do
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.