@JohnLyonTweets I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
@SweetBlueNote If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
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@JohnLyonTweets 
@chuuew I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
@brunopieroni Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
@3sunzzz Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
@XplodingUnicorn My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
@TheHatStore [about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
@HaliPhacks When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
@ACartoonCat Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
@TitansHomer Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
@kyry5 [God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”