If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
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If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?