if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
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Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
Every damn time
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.