If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
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[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.