If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
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I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.