Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you

I was watching a show for about 5 minutes and this chick was listing all these really fun things to do when I realized I was watching a religious show and she was listing sins

I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car

So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.

There are no pants in heaven.

I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.

[job interview]

Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:

It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.

[while house is on fire]

Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.

Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?

F: but the house is on fire.

Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.

Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.

dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings

A Pringles Tube but for Donuts

[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please

I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]

[office]

ME: I’m back from vacation!

BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!

ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days

My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous

[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast

Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene

Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.

Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!

Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat

[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*

Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?

Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.

My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.

When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time

Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?

*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*

Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!

I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.

I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.