If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
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Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?