If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
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I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule