If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
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*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
one of
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?