If there’s something strange. In your neighborhood.
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But if I get tinted windows, how will people see me flipping them off?
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!