if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
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I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
I can also cook 😂
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
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cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here