If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
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[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm