If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
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The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.