If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
You Might Also Like
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
just witnessed a drug deal
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.