If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
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I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.