If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
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Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too