if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
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Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
I feel attacked.
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food