If they made Dracula swallow a grenade would that kill him or is it still just a hard “only wooden stakes/the sun” rule
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Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
Tammy is short for Tamuel
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
Me: *trying to sleep*
Gf: Babe?
Me: Hmm?
Her: Why will she be riding six white horses when she comes?
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
The left. The right. The ambidextrous. Politics is so confusing.
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking