If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
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My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?